2 Bed, 2 Bath (and a Ghost)

The old man next door says his house is haunted
He says a ghost keeps him awake
I think he's having a hard time, to be honest
Since his darling passed away

But he fears that a phantom
Has finally found him... some nemesis that never quit holding a grudge
The old man next door says his house is haunted
It's best to be upfront with some tough love

I said Robert I'm so sorry
Your house ain't haunted
You're just not used to bein' alone
Robert all the creaks and shifts are just the sounds you missed
When you shared your home
He says: no, no, no, no no no…

I've had some close calls with falling items
I'm duckin' picture frames and dinner plates and all
All my daily meds: I can never find 'em
They're put in places that I never would've done
And the furniture shifts and it caused me to trip
I wake up with my pillow on my face every night
It sounds silly but this house is tryin' to kill me
Will you come see?
Just stay with me?
Just stay with me one time?

I said Robert I'm so sorry
Your house ain't haunted
You're just not used to bein' alone
Robert all the shifts and creaks are just the signs of grief
Now you're living on your own...
But okay, I'll go…

And I can't help but feel absurd because nothing
That I've heard from the downstairs room
Is of paranormal origin, it's 4 am, this poor old man is just confused
But wait
I hear footsteps... on the stairs...
They're gettin' louder and louder... Above me... They're stomping
I pray it's just Robert until I hear him scream my name
NEIGHBOR GUY!

And I go running up the stairs, jumping three at a time
And I'm fully unprepared for the terrors I will find
I burst into the room and by the light of the moon
It's a ghost as real as both me and you

And it wasn't the butler that he sacked without cause
Or that surly groundskeeper or that mafia boss
Or his old business partner that he stabbed in the back
Or the ghost of Christmas Future, Present or Past
And it wasn't the guy from the mishap at the zoo
Or that other guy from the other mishap at the zoo
No, of all the spooky specters Robert wronged in his life
The ghost floating between us was his darling dead wife

And she said
Robert, I'm so sorry
Didn't mean to scare you
I'm just not used to bein' alone
Robert, ya see, death's a one way street
And I can't find my way back home
Robert, I figured I'd just come getcha
I thought a haunting might do the trick
Robert, I'm sorry, I thought it'd be easier
I don't remember you bein' this quick…

The old house next door's got a sign out front now
A for sale sign tied to a post
So, attention shoppers, you can make an offer
On a 2 bed, 2 bath and a Ghost

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